Tuesday, March 9, 2010

On Being A Mom

I'm finally posting after a several-month hiatus. On December 27,2009, at 3:18pm, I gave birth to my second daughter, who entered the world at a healthy 7 lbs., 11.6 ozs, 19.5 inches long. As time has gone on, and I enjoy this second child as much as I did my first, I have realized something about myself: I am not only a stay-at-home mom, I have become one of those women who define themselves by their children, not by my chosen career. Or, I should say, "career from outside the home"? Because, really, motherhood is a career as well.

There will be those who look at me and think that I am a giant step back from liberated women because I say that. I say, no, I AM a woman who is liberated enough to say that she enjoys being a stay-at-home mom. I love being a mom raising her children herself, rather than sending them off to daycare. I enjoy knowing that if they grow up into wonderful women, I will have been the one to have taught them to be such wonderful women. Knowing that, if they don't turn out well, that's a reflection upon me as well.

I don't feel I've lost anything by defining myself through my children. I don't feel that I've lost my identity. I feel that, if anything, I have added to my identity by having children.

I didn't know, back when I carried my first daughter, how much I would love them. I didn't know that I would put my children first, before even my husband, not because I was required to but because I wanted to. I didn't know how much I would enjoy every second of motherhood, even the ones I complained about, simply because it was about my children.

Even now, nearly five years later, and I still get a chill of wonder down my spine when I look at my children and realize "I had a part in creating that perfect child. Me." I still look around for someone else when I hear the word "Mom", and still grin like an idiot when I realize that now the word refers to me, not my mother.

I didn't know how scary and yet exhilarating this career move would be. I worry about everything. I have nightmares about everything. I lose sleep, every night, imagining every horrific thing that could befall any child, and yet I wouldn't change a single thing! Insanity. But I am happy with my career choice.

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